Grief Never Ends. It's The Price Of Love!

Tuesday, October 2, 2007. 

 

I woke up, went to school, and came home.

Mom sat Jamie, Jordan, and I down on that stupid green couch. The sectional, the one with the small whole in the right arm. Stupid couch. I hate that couch. I hate that couch because that’s where I was when Mom told us the news.

I did not want to sit. I knew what was coming. Oh Lord, I did not want to sit.

Friday, September 28, 2007.

 

Today we celebrate my Grandpa’s 63^rd birthday. Be it far from home, at least the whole family is here.

It was a good day. Emotional one, but good!

Five Years Prior. 

 

James Hightower had a lung transplant at Duke University Medical Hospital. We were all very excited, but not near as excited as Daddy was to receive a pair of ‘new’ lungs. No one knew how long he’d have to wait to find the perfect donor, but alas they did! And, for that, we are ever grateful!

Fast Forward To October 2, 2007. 

 

And then, Mom uttered the words I never thought I’d hear, didn’t expect to hear for at least 102 more years.

I remember it so vividly. As I recall it now, my head still shakes no, as it did that day.

“Daddy is gone.”

It was more that I could handle. I immediately left. I had to get out, get off of that stupid couch.

At 17, I lost the man I called Dad, and there was nothing I could do about it.

The next few days were a blur.

At the wake, I placed a hand-written letter in the inside pocket of Daddy’s coat. It was my way of grieving, a beginning of the closure process.

One Year Later: October 2, 2008.

 

After a year, I thought things would get easier. They don’t. People lied. Time heals all wounds, they said. You’ll let go, they said. I’ve come to learn grief never ends, but it changes. It’s a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith. It is the price of love.

This year I started a tradition I’ve held every year since. I wrote a letter, giving an update on the family, how each of us were handling and coping with Daddy gone. I put the letter in a balloon and sent it to Heaven.

The next few years, I just wrote letters on my life, problems I was dealing with, accomplishments I made.

Present: October 2, 2013.

Today marks six years since Daddy left this earth to take his place in Heaven. This year I decided I would do an update on the family again, as well as my normal special balloon message!

 

Here goes nothing…

Hello Daddy—

Another year has passed. Another year I didn’t hear your voice, didn’t see your outstanding smile, didn’t kiss your scruffy face.

I decided this year, I would do an update on the family. Fill you in, although, I’m sure you already know more than I. I also thought, I would share this secret ritual with my blog readers, a dip into the deep, personal side of myself. Mixed emotions right now.

Let’s start with your children:

Mom: Mom has changed, a good change. She’s a grandma now. Kind of funny thinking of your daughter as a grandma, isn’t it. Those grandbabies are her life now. She would do anything, and everything for them, as she did for us kids. Her relationship with Lane is amazing! I love that I can see the love they share for one another. We didn’t see it much as kids, but now, as a maturing young lady, I see it daily. Maybe it’s because all of us hoodlums are out of the house and they finally get to spend time with one another? Whatever the case, I love seeing her happy. She totally deserves it! Lane does too! He’s doing good, a bit sore, and coming into his age, from all of the years of work. I hope he knows how much I appreciate him and how much I respect him for stepping up and fathering me.

John: John is married now, to a great lady! (No worries, she is no crazy Sharon!) John and Kathy fit. I do believe they were made for one another. I’m thoroughly impressed with John’s ability and desire to learn sign language to bond with his bride!

Chris: Chris is doing his best to do everything for his kids. I love that, even though he and Ann broke up, he still sees his kids and puts them first. He would do anything in the world for them. He gets that from you! Wanna know what else he gets from you? Baldness. Not totally bald, hair still wraps around the base of his head, like yours. I don’t see Bailey, Janice, or Jacob near enough! Bailey is such a hard-worker, really takes pride in what she does. Janice is maturing into such a lovely lady; not only is she pretty, but she’s smart. (Must run in the family!) Jacob, he’s a hoot! Boy, is he smart and witty. I’m sure he’d have you doubled over, laughing so hard!

 (Bailey, Alyssa, Daddy, Me, Grandma)

Alyssa: Oh Alyssa, she’s married now! You’d be proud of her! Not to say that she wasn’t before, but she is a beautiful person! I hate that we don’t live closer, because I would love to see her every day, just like we planned. Remember those days Daddy? The ones were she, Jamie, and I would plan our future lives together, the ones where we would all live in the same house. Alyssa and I have a new business plan now, maybe this one will come to fruition.  

 (Alyssa & Daddy)

Jamie: I wish you could see Jamie! Maybe I’m a bit biased, but she is a beautiful girl. Right now, she’s not seeing herself that way. I pray every day that she will wake up with the courage and strength to head her life in the right direction. I hate that she is killing herself working to throwing her earnings away for someone who wouldn’t/isn’t doing the same. She deserves the world, the stars, the best! I want nothing less for her! With the love and support that she has in from her family, she should know that she can get out of the mess/relationship she is in, and make a better life for herself. And be happy! 

(Me, Jamie, Alyssa, & Daddy)

Jordan: Jordan is still Jordan. He has his good days, and he definitely has his bad. He is now a father. A father to a handsome little boy, Dalen. Oh how I wish you were here to whip him into shape! That baby should be his life, selfishly, he is not. You’d think with the way the sperm donor was, and having you and Lane take place as our fathers, he’d want better for his son. They say, “Boys will be boys.” This boy needs to wake up and realize he’s now a man, a man with another life to take care of, a man with a son who depends on him. I wish you could see the way Dalen’s eyes light up when he sees his Dad. It brings me so much joy, but also brings pain. Hey Daddy, send him a wake-up call, please? He’s a smart, handsome kid, and knows what he should be doing, but doesn’t have his priorities in line.

Austin: A daddy and a husband. Crazy, huh? Who would have ever imagined Austin would be married and a parent before me?!? I love the man Austin has become. He is so hard-working. He would do anything, and everything, for his wife, Shirley, and daughter, Zoey. He’s still funny, and will give anyone a hard time.

Granny: What a great lady! Granny is the awesome! She’s at that age where she says whatever is on her mind. Well, Granny has always said what’s on her mind. She’s another lady I don’t spend enough time with. As far as I know, she is doing great! I love calling her and expecting to get off the phone in 20 minutes, but end up talking for 2-hours. I wouldn’t trade it for anything!

Grandma: Your bride. She’s the best! Words are not enough for this lady. I see why you fell in love with her. Not only is she a babe, but her heart is radiant! I don’t believe I have ever heard a harsh word come out of her mouth, unless she was trying to teach the babies curse words, in Cherokee. She has so much love to give! I know I’m to blame as well, but I hate seeing her hurt. I hope that at the end of the day, I make her smile. She worries so much about each and every one of her kids, grandkids, great-grandkids. She is a beautiful soul! Great job on sealing the deal with her! And yes, she still has it going on!

(Grandma & Daddy)

And now, myself…

I’m doing great. I’m nowhere near the place I’d thought I’d be today. I haven’t finished school, haven’t gotten married, haven’t had children. That’s the crazy thing about life, you never know where it’s going to take you. I have a job I should be grateful for, and most days I am. I’m back in school, pursuing a degree in something I love. I’m in a loving relationship with my soul-mate. You never got to meet Jason, but boy do I wish you could have! He reminds me so much of you—he’s funny, witty, makes me smile, uses the word outstanding, has the biggest heart, and above all, loves me unconditionally! I just know you’d love him! I’m blessed!

I wish I could have told you we were all doing great, we see one another daily weekly, and things were just as good as when you were here. I’d be lying. Jamie said it, you were the glue that held our family together, the constant in our lives, the rock we all needed.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you, or wish you were here. My grieving process has changed—this is my passage in life. Here’s to another year of being surrounded by your spirit and constantly reminded of your love!

I love you and miss you like none other!

Your favorite granddaughter,
Jessica